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I eventually got over the feeling. My response is an “already on it” in the sense of a playful “i beat you to it”, and I expect an “awesome, thanks” in turn. That way it’s gratitude and support for each other - since that was the intention to begin with - instead of resentment for an unnecessary reminder.
Imo it helps to remind oneself that mental load is a thing and they’re reminding themselves just as much as you. Getting ahead of the reminder consistently will eventually make the reminder obsolete and lighten the mental load.
Reason # 5,348 why I love living alone.
Sometimes I forget how young the user base is here.
I’m almost 50 and this comic is very relatable.
Is it relatable to people who still have their mothers and wives tell them to do the dishes?
Who here isn’t just doing their own dishes because they’re adults? You getting mad at your roommates or something for shared chores?
Wow, this is an incredibly sexist comment about a genderless comic. From experience, when I walk up to the sink and start doing the dishes, and then my SO walks up and asks me to do the dishes (which has happened a number of times) I think they’re being unobservant and controlling and I feel unappreciated. That’s what this comment is about, lady.
Dishes are a unique kind of chore, with a huge possibility for resentment, not just a “shared chore”. Most who have lived long term with another knows how it goes
- The mess is in a (usually) small living space (kitchen). You can’t really avoid the dishes or work around them. Dishes make it very frustrating to work in that environment
- At a certain point it becomes impossible to prepare new food to eat; it’s not something you can put off forever, it has a strict time limit
- Dirty dishes are really gross, both visually and olfactorily, and attract pests
- Other people’s mess directly affects your life and health in a very real way
- The longer you leave it, the harder it is to clean
- Often, one person has a different standard of “clean” than the other; they might not even realise there is a problem
- This can lead to controlling or other toxic behaviour
That’s why what usually ends up happening is some combination of these:
- Frequent commands (increasingly not-gentle reminders) to clean up
- One person does all the dishes forever, constantly, becoming a taken-for-granted dish slave until burnout (this was me with my ex)
- Frequent “discussions” about the state of cleanliness
No matter which side of the interaction you’re on, you’re likely to encounter resentment. Either for being constantly nagged about something you don’t see as a big deal, or annoyance because you forgot just a few times and feel undeserved scrutiny, or frustration because the other person never cleans at all
Compare this to, say; taking the trash out, laundry, or tending the plants. It’s not even close in terms of how much another’s actions impact your physical or mental health
I have this and it’s due to Psychological reactance.I’m still trying figure out how to work around it.
I swear ADHD makes this shit 1000x worse
I’ve literally just started calling my mum out on it. I tell her, “I was literally going to, but now I won’t out of spite” so that she knows not to do it and that I’m just as petty as her when it comes to being told to do something.
It’s actually started to help
You’re detailing a tantrum you’ve thrown over not wanting to do chores and think you’ve won something over your mother?
Who cooks in your house?
When I visit my mother in her house, she treats me as a child despite me being a grown adult by quite some many years.
If there are dishes in the sink, I naturally go to rinse them off, that is, until she says something before I get there of “there are dishes in the sink and you’re not going to wash them?”
It’s little things like that. I don’t know if it’s entirely conscious, or if it’s a control thing for her brought out by her own mother’s endless criticism of her every action, but it’s a hurtful thing where someone you love, thinks the worst of you for no reason. You can ignore it and breed silent resentment, or you can address it.
I’ve started addressing it.
An implication where someone you love, thinks the worst of you for no reason.
Since when is asking someone to do the dishes after they cooked you a meal at this level of resentment?
Depends on the tone, whether it’s an accusation of your general being. You know how parents can say things in a way that seem innocuous, but are used as a way to control or denigrate in some small way. You couldn’t name it as a child, but as an adult you know exactly what it is, and is the reason why you limit your visits to only so many hours.
You still love them, they still love you. But it’s hard for them to shake off old behaviours.
I’m sincerely sorry that your relationship with your mother is so damaged. And I’m sorry that you’re stuck in petty tit for tat with her as a means to gain control. It sounds unhealthy and I hope it gets better for you.
Aside from that, using something so communal as dishes to demonstrate this social interaction is wild to me. Dishes need to be done every single day. To not do a communal chore like that because of spite in an otherwise healthy household is absolutely unhealthy and breeding resentment.
Out of respect, I don’t quite think you understand how close my mother and I are. Me calling her out on her control tactics and expressing my feelings in response to it isn’t the start of a petty war. She laughs and nods. I laugh and nod too.
It’s the start of self awareness in breaking a cycle, and she gets what I’m trying to do and respects it.
Often she forgets, because old habits die hard, but it’s getting better
