EDIT: For those concerned about how this story sounds: I’m leaving out a ton of detail for the sake of brevity. The history of how I’ve felt about possibly being trans technically goes back since I was a kid. And over the past years its been more notable and its intensified in the past few months. Past few days are just sort of a sudden cracking of the egg.
EDIT2: Also, HRT doesn’t bring about any permanent effects for the first few months is what I’ve read. Just softening of the skin basically and emotional changes. Some of you freaking out about me immediately starting HRT are being alarmist. If by some incredibly unlikely situation I end up hating being on HRT I’ll figure it out within the first month or three and stop. But I know that’s not going to happen TBH.
So, let me give some quick explanation on how I got here: Last Thursday, a girl I was essentially obsessed with told me to fuck off forever, even as a friend. To be honest I alienated my entire friend group surrounding her. I deserved this by any conventional measure, but that’s not what I want to litigate.
I had been on a mental loop essentially obsessing over her, and when it was clear I’d not get to even be her friend anymore, let alone be with her romantically, I realized I had absolutely nothing to think about or put my energy into. She was kind of part of my last (I’m autistic) hyper fixation of romance that had crumbled before me. I went from Video games to Politics to Romance. I cared about nothing for a few days, purely operating on survival mode, work was absolutely miserable and free time I sat around doing essentially nothing but thinking and watching garbage youtube. I did not want to live anymore, though I had suicidal ideation even before she rejected even my friendship.
Saturday night and Sunday morning, in bed I ruminated about the only thing left basically all night waking up randomly: myself. My identity. Who the fuck am I? I wont get to heavy into details but I realized I was in denial with my “gender ambivalence” I wasn’t ambivalent. I’m a transwoman. I told a friend and they immediately called me “Girrl!” and called me by a feminine form of my name via text. I immediately liked this to an extreme degree. And I think this kind of confirms it. I literally had a strong emotional sense of pleasure. I’ve never been excited to be a guy.
I feel both amazingly good about this revelation but also extremely… sad. I’m 38. I feel like I missed out on literally the best possible years to be a woman and I’m about to go into the worst. And the years I lived as a man were pretty terrible. I feel like I’ve been cheated.
I’ve realized the only real way I’m going to manage any real romance is to embrace who I actually am and stop pretending. I thought all my masking was to appear allistic (I’m autistic) but I was also essentially masking my gender. Pretending to be a guy. And I fucking suck at it.
Fortunately, I’ve aged surprisingly well despite being 38. I have all my hair. I already have a somewhat elven-esque pretty boy face even today that I think will not really require facial work. I have a “sing-song” voice for a guy. I am naturally relatively lanky/thin. Because I’m an indoors and night time person I’ve suffered minimal to zero UV damage to my skin and I don’t smoke.
This almost stings more though: god how cute I could have been! What an absolute waste. But there is something to be salvaged at least. I plan to start HRT ASAP. I intend to call Planned Parenthood today.
Anyway, the actual question is: Other than HRT, what do I do now? What do I need to be careful about? What should I avoid? What should I try?
A woman rejected you and you decide that means you are trans?
Are you trolling? If not, you don’t need to transition, you need a therapist you help you stop being so overly dramatic about mundane life experiences like rejection. The problem is on the inside, not the outside. This most makes you come across like a 16 year old, not a 38 year old…
People are bizarre.
Dude has an obsessive personality, admits it, and is excited to jump to his next obsession.
I knew I couldn’t be the only one thinking this.
And also cannot stop to think critically how these obsessions could be harmful, and pushes objectional feedback away.
I am convinced some people actually fight against inner peace.
Except I know plenty well the drawbacks of monotropic thinking.
I engage with it and counter argue. If there is merit to the feedback it should be able to stand up to a a little scrutiny in of itself.
This sounds like some spiritual shit. I’m not into that.
don’t really know what happening, people getting vibes and then telling you your not open to critique? “I feel like youre obsessed” is not critique, its a vibe.
You should try the spiritual shit, it may be a great addition to autism/pseudo-intellectual/gender is my whole identity options.
Apologies to those who struggle with this without using it as an excuse to be an argumentative arse.
Absurdism and Anti-theism are also part of my identity. I think they might conflict a little with spirituality.
How is this even a meaningful statement? What are you even trying to convey here?
I’m autistic. Comes with rumination, limerance, perseveration, etc. So uh… yeah. What’s your point? (not a dude though apparently)
There isn’t medication for Autism btw.
I think is was more a catalyst.
Pretty sure Planned Parenthood has nothing to do with HRT prescriptions. You’d need a psychiatric doctor to prescribe something like that, and he’d probably insist on a pretty thorough examination. And since doctors don’t generally like giving out prescriptions needlessly, he’d probably want to hear about some symptoms of illness first.
Preference alone would be insufficient, just like going to your doctor and insisting you want your stomach stapled for weight loss would be insufficient to get the surgery. He will most likely make you try other, less permanent things first.
Yeah, the vibe here is “I want an immediate solution to my identity/behavioral problems” and going to the most extreme route. Which is typical thinking of a person with a personality or other psych issue.
lol ok. I mean I could have just killed myself instead I guess. That certainly would have been a quick fix.
the fact you say shit like this your headspace is completely unhinged. You need serious help.
have you heard of a “joke”?
Suicidal people (or previously suicidal in my case) tend to make jokes about suicide. And it makes people like yourself who don’t get it really uncomfortable. Get over yourself.
That’s right! And I’m going to get some.
Suicidal people are no more prone to make jokes about suicide than anyone else. This is not a statistic. And “people like them” don’t need to get it. There’s nothing to get.
Also, in another comment you claimed autism.
Don’t put any of this shit on any -tism. You have issues you need to deal with. These people are just being honest with you.
This is just directly wrong. That said I never said it was a “statistic”. Joking about suicide is a well known coping mechanism for suicidal people. A rudimentary google search would allow you to figure this out.
Fine then fucking don’t.
I never thought they were lying I just thought the way they’ve conveyed their idea to be extremely lazy and insulting.
What “issues” do I need to “deal with” and how exactly?
This is my problem: I’m being specific: I have autism. On the other hand, you and the other poster are all just saying “you are crazy” basically without trying to explain what you actually mean. What mental health problems are the specific problems that you are so concerned with?
And regardless, is your advice intended to make me happier? Or you?
Okay. lol.
they might be honest, but their mostly not factual and also dicks. you can be nice while critiquing
Planned Parenthood can prescribe HRT in some locations, but I’ll warn the one time I called because I had run out and my Endo was being a butt they had something like a 3 month wait-list for any appointment
Planned Parenthood handles HRT in many states. I have been getting my HRT through them for years with no issues at all.
The rejection itself wasn’t the reason. It just forced me to stop ruminating on her. I had thoughts of wanting to be a girl/woman for a while (like I wont get into details but there were things I thought as a kid) but compartmentalized it all and tried to focus on other things.
The internet isn’t the place for any of this. You should see a therapist. You also should not be obsessively crushing on people at the age of 38.
I have a therapist. I’m autistic.
And your just an asshole. shrugs
You need therapy first to figure this all out. You don’t just jump straight to HRT. Step 0 of gender-affirming care is therapy and counseling.
I already have a therapist and we’ve discussed gender a bit. Tomorrow I have an appointment with her. It’ll get discussed plenty more.
Look, for like the past 5-6 years I coped with telling myself I’m gender ambivalent. And when I was a kid I was revolted by my own genitals. I hate my body hair. I have zero desire to be a guy, I literally just went along with it due to inertia and fear.
Also Planned Parenthood has you do a counseling session with them for getting HRT. Its called the informed consent model.
I’m not really interested in discussing whether I’m trans beyond that and time is of the essence.
I highly recommend discussing mania with your therapist. You are describing some events that all line up with being manic. Most people don’t know they’re manic when they’re in the throes of mania. It’s hard to spot for many. You need another party to help notice the symptoms.
I suppose it couldn’t hurt to mention to her.
I don’t know that this negates me actually being trans though. Even if I was manic about figuring it out, its still true.
Nothing negates you being trans. In fact, you being trans seems to be a non-issue almost entirely. You’re exhibiting potentially self destructive behaviors, though. In ways that being autistic and hyper fixated do not usually account for.
I’m all ears on what those are.
You alienated your friend group, you obsessed over a person to the point of them severing all ties with you (which points strongly toward limerance behaviors), you said for a while you were in survival mode, had suicidal ideation, can’t seem to find any joy outside of your fixations. Huge, huge red flags especially when combined. I’m no professional but you’re in an uncontained state. Which is plenty enough for me to absolutely call out worrying behavior. Any friend of mine had this combo going on and I’d be forming an intervention. But, to top all of this off, you’re looking to add very powerful hormones into the mix. Again, not a mental health professional but this is all really troubling. Absolutely treatable but only if you see these things as problems.
I’m not really 100% on board with the psychiatric treatment of mania or conceptualizing it medically, but it’s clear to me that part of you is freaking the fuck out aobut something because you’ve been serially obsessing.
Do you have any sense of relief from your egg cracking? It sounds like there hasn’t been much time to reflect and contextualize, etc., and you’re just running to the next thing–transitioning ASAP.
So I guess the question is do you think all the unhappiness you’ve been experiencing is driven by living in the wrong gender? That’s perfectly possible that’s been the source of your stress, but I wonder if there are separate (or related) issues running alongside it that transitioning wouldn’t solve.
Anyway, I’d find some good therapists if you can, someone who is not an idiot and understands trans issues; check local LGBTQ groups and see if you can get some good referrals and maybe tie into a community of transpeople for support. It doesn’t necessarily have to be formal Support Groups, sometimes it’s just social shit like games night or open mic.
That is basically how I’ve always operated. I tend to have like, one main thing that I’m hyperfixating on. A sort of “main project”. I’m autistic and its essentially monotropism on a macroscale (but honestly on an hour to hour or day to day I tend to not like changing what I’m doing). Eventually when I resolve or complete a project it can sort of become part of the background of my life instead of my main focus though.
Yes, suddenly I basically see a reason to continue being alive. I can enjoy things again. Like I said in another post, played a video game that very day for multiple hours that I had been essentially ignoring because I’d been in a state of “What’s the fucking point I’m not even capable of enjoying anything.” The reflecting is something that brought me too this point. I’m sure I’ll continue to reflect. TBH I probably do too much “reflecting” for my own good.
Will do. There is a LGBT center walking distance from me. In addition, a bar known for being an LGBT hub, though that’s where some drama for me lives atm.