EDIT: For those concerned about how this story sounds: I’m leaving out a ton of detail for the sake of brevity. The history of how I’ve felt about possibly being trans technically goes back since I was a kid. And over the past years its been more notable and its intensified in the past few months. Past few days are just sort of a sudden cracking of the egg.
EDIT2: Also, HRT doesn’t bring about any permanent effects for the first few months is what I’ve read. Just softening of the skin basically and emotional changes. Some of you freaking out about me immediately starting HRT are being alarmist. If by some incredibly unlikely situation I end up hating being on HRT I’ll figure it out within the first month or three and stop. But I know that’s not going to happen TBH.
So, let me give some quick explanation on how I got here: Last Thursday, a girl I was essentially obsessed with told me to fuck off forever, even as a friend. To be honest I alienated my entire friend group surrounding her. I deserved this by any conventional measure, but that’s not what I want to litigate.
I had been on a mental loop essentially obsessing over her, and when it was clear I’d not get to even be her friend anymore, let alone be with her romantically, I realized I had absolutely nothing to think about or put my energy into. She was kind of part of my last (I’m autistic) hyper fixation of romance that had crumbled before me. I went from Video games to Politics to Romance. I cared about nothing for a few days, purely operating on survival mode, work was absolutely miserable and free time I sat around doing essentially nothing but thinking and watching garbage youtube. I did not want to live anymore, though I had suicidal ideation even before she rejected even my friendship.
Saturday night and Sunday morning, in bed I ruminated about the only thing left basically all night waking up randomly: myself. My identity. Who the fuck am I? I wont get to heavy into details but I realized I was in denial with my “gender ambivalence” I wasn’t ambivalent. I’m a transwoman. I told a friend and they immediately called me “Girrl!” and called me by a feminine form of my name via text. I immediately liked this to an extreme degree. And I think this kind of confirms it. I literally had a strong emotional sense of pleasure. I’ve never been excited to be a guy.
I feel both amazingly good about this revelation but also extremely… sad. I’m 38. I feel like I missed out on literally the best possible years to be a woman and I’m about to go into the worst. And the years I lived as a man were pretty terrible. I feel like I’ve been cheated.
I’ve realized the only real way I’m going to manage any real romance is to embrace who I actually am and stop pretending. I thought all my masking was to appear allistic (I’m autistic) but I was also essentially masking my gender. Pretending to be a guy. And I fucking suck at it.
Fortunately, I’ve aged surprisingly well despite being 38. I have all my hair. I already have a somewhat elven-esque pretty boy face even today that I think will not really require facial work. I have a “sing-song” voice for a guy. I am naturally relatively lanky/thin. Because I’m an indoors and night time person I’ve suffered minimal to zero UV damage to my skin and I don’t smoke.
This almost stings more though: god how cute I could have been! What an absolute waste. But there is something to be salvaged at least. I plan to start HRT ASAP. I intend to call Planned Parenthood today.
Anyway, the actual question is: Other than HRT, what do I do now? What do I need to be careful about? What should I avoid? What should I try?
I’m hearing a lot of similarities to my own story.
On the spectrum. Obsessive personality traits. Manic once I get an idea in my head that clicks. Fantisized about being female since adolescent. Super interested when I discovered it was an option to be trans in college. Took until my 40s to own it. Regret I didnt do something about it back then.
My plan last year was to start HRT this year. Like it was some gate I needed to pass through (obsessive personality). I never officially decided not to do it now that the year is ending, but I’ve found contentment without it after two years of deep exploration.
Like a half dozen wigs, few pairs of prosthetic breasts, more women’s clothing in my wardrobe than the sum of all male clothing I’ve owned my whole adult life, like 50 pairs of heels (I really really fucking love heals), make up, galons of professional nail polish, laser hair removal, small fortune in GLP-1 meds to reach the body figure I wanted, etc, etc.
I don’t know when the switch happened, but eventually the obsession with getting HRT fizzled out. I wear almost exclusively women’s clothing today. Most of it passes as gender neutral, but its distinctly more feminine color pallets or the way it fits. Outside of professional settings I’ll wear my beloved heals out. In safe spaces I’ll go full cross dressed.
You know what? I’m happier not having to identify as one label or the other and stressing about this gate that needs to be crossed. I’m just me and that’s enough. Anyways, just wanted to play devil’s advocate here as I heard a lot of myself in your post. Journey before destination or some shit like that.
Best wishes with whatever you choose.
This is going to end so poorly for you. Slow the fuck down.
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A friend transitioned around the same age and she’s super happy. Cheers to late-in-life realizations. Happy for you. I don’t have any useful info to share, I’m just happy for you and wanted you to know that someone going through it at the same age had a really good experience.
A woman rejected you and you decide that means you are trans?
Are you trolling? If not, you don’t need to transition, you need a therapist you help you stop being so overly dramatic about mundane life experiences like rejection. The problem is on the inside, not the outside. This most makes you come across like a 16 year old, not a 38 year old…
I think is was more a catalyst.
People are bizarre.
Dude has an obsessive personality, admits it, and is excited to jump to his next obsession.
I knew I couldn’t be the only one thinking this.
And also cannot stop to think critically how these obsessions could be harmful, and pushes objectional feedback away.
I am convinced some people actually fight against inner peace.
And also cannot stop to think critically how these obsessions could be harmful
Except I know plenty well the drawbacks of monotropic thinking.
pushes objectional feedback away.
I engage with it and counter argue. If there is merit to the feedback it should be able to stand up to a a little scrutiny in of itself.
I am convinced some people actually fight against inner peace.
This sounds like some spiritual shit. I’m not into that.
don’t really know what happening, people getting vibes and then telling you your not open to critique? “I feel like youre obsessed” is not critique, its a vibe.
You should try the spiritual shit, it may be a great addition to autism/pseudo-intellectual/gender is my whole identity options.
Apologies to those who struggle with this without using it as an excuse to be an argumentative arse.
Absurdism and Anti-theism are also part of my identity. I think they might conflict a little with spirituality.
People are bizarre.
How is this even a meaningful statement? What are you even trying to convey here?
Dude has an obsessive personality, admits it, and is excited to jump to his next obsession.
I’m autistic. Comes with rumination, limerance, perseveration, etc. So uh… yeah. What’s your point? (not a dude though apparently)
There isn’t medication for Autism btw.
Pretty sure Planned Parenthood has nothing to do with HRT prescriptions. You’d need a psychiatric doctor to prescribe something like that, and he’d probably insist on a pretty thorough examination. And since doctors don’t generally like giving out prescriptions needlessly, he’d probably want to hear about some symptoms of illness first.
Preference alone would be insufficient, just like going to your doctor and insisting you want your stomach stapled for weight loss would be insufficient to get the surgery. He will most likely make you try other, less permanent things first.
Yeah, the vibe here is “I want an immediate solution to my identity/behavioral problems” and going to the most extreme route. Which is typical thinking of a person with a personality or other psych issue.
lol ok. I mean I could have just killed myself instead I guess. That certainly would have been a quick fix.
the fact you say shit like this your headspace is completely unhinged. You need serious help.
have you heard of a “joke”?
the fact you say shit like this your headspace is completely unhinged.
Suicidal people (or previously suicidal in my case) tend to make jokes about suicide. And it makes people like yourself who don’t get it really uncomfortable. Get over yourself.
You need serious help.
That’s right! And I’m going to get some.
Suicidal people are no more prone to make jokes about suicide than anyone else. This is not a statistic. And “people like them” don’t need to get it. There’s nothing to get.
Also, in another comment you claimed autism.
Don’t put any of this shit on any -tism. You have issues you need to deal with. These people are just being honest with you.
they might be honest, but their mostly not factual and also dicks. you can be nice while critiquing
Planned Parenthood can prescribe HRT in some locations, but I’ll warn the one time I called because I had run out and my Endo was being a butt they had something like a 3 month wait-list for any appointment
Planned Parenthood handles HRT in many states. I have been getting my HRT through them for years with no issues at all.
The rejection itself wasn’t the reason. It just forced me to stop ruminating on her. I had thoughts of wanting to be a girl/woman for a while (like I wont get into details but there were things I thought as a kid) but compartmentalized it all and tried to focus on other things.
The internet isn’t the place for any of this. You should see a therapist. You also should not be obsessively crushing on people at the age of 38.
I have a therapist. I’m autistic.
And your just an asshole. shrugs
You need therapy first to figure this all out. You don’t just jump straight to HRT. Step 0 of gender-affirming care is therapy and counseling.
I already have a therapist and we’ve discussed gender a bit. Tomorrow I have an appointment with her. It’ll get discussed plenty more.
Look, for like the past 5-6 years I coped with telling myself I’m gender ambivalent. And when I was a kid I was revolted by my own genitals. I hate my body hair. I have zero desire to be a guy, I literally just went along with it due to inertia and fear.
Also Planned Parenthood has you do a counseling session with them for getting HRT. Its called the informed consent model.
I’m not really interested in discussing whether I’m trans beyond that and time is of the essence.
I highly recommend discussing mania with your therapist. You are describing some events that all line up with being manic. Most people don’t know they’re manic when they’re in the throes of mania. It’s hard to spot for many. You need another party to help notice the symptoms.
I suppose it couldn’t hurt to mention to her.
I don’t know that this negates me actually being trans though. Even if I was manic about figuring it out, its still true.
Nothing negates you being trans. In fact, you being trans seems to be a non-issue almost entirely. You’re exhibiting potentially self destructive behaviors, though. In ways that being autistic and hyper fixated do not usually account for.
You’re exhibiting potentially self destructive behaviors, though. In ways that being autistic and hyper fixated do not usually account for.
I’m all ears on what those are.
I’m not really 100% on board with the psychiatric treatment of mania or conceptualizing it medically, but it’s clear to me that part of you is freaking the fuck out aobut something because you’ve been serially obsessing.
Do you have any sense of relief from your egg cracking? It sounds like there hasn’t been much time to reflect and contextualize, etc., and you’re just running to the next thing–transitioning ASAP.
So I guess the question is do you think all the unhappiness you’ve been experiencing is driven by living in the wrong gender? That’s perfectly possible that’s been the source of your stress, but I wonder if there are separate (or related) issues running alongside it that transitioning wouldn’t solve.
Anyway, I’d find some good therapists if you can, someone who is not an idiot and understands trans issues; check local LGBTQ groups and see if you can get some good referrals and maybe tie into a community of transpeople for support. It doesn’t necessarily have to be formal Support Groups, sometimes it’s just social shit like games night or open mic.
but it’s clear to me that part of you is freaking the fuck out aobut something because you’ve been serially obsessing.
That is basically how I’ve always operated. I tend to have like, one main thing that I’m hyperfixating on. A sort of “main project”. I’m autistic and its essentially monotropism on a macroscale (but honestly on an hour to hour or day to day I tend to not like changing what I’m doing). Eventually when I resolve or complete a project it can sort of become part of the background of my life instead of my main focus though.
Do you have any sense of relief from your egg cracking? It sounds like there hasn’t been much time to reflect and contextualize, etc., and you’re just running to the next thing–transitioning ASAP.
Yes, suddenly I basically see a reason to continue being alive. I can enjoy things again. Like I said in another post, played a video game that very day for multiple hours that I had been essentially ignoring because I’d been in a state of “What’s the fucking point I’m not even capable of enjoying anything.” The reflecting is something that brought me too this point. I’m sure I’ll continue to reflect. TBH I probably do too much “reflecting” for my own good.
Anyway, I’d find some good therapists if you can, someone who is not an idiot and understands trans issues; check local LGBTQ groups and see if you can get some good referrals and maybe tie into a community of transpeople for support. It doesn’t necessarily have to be formal Support Groups, sometimes it’s just social shit like games night or open mic.
Will do. There is a LGBT center walking distance from me. In addition, a bar known for being an LGBT hub, though that’s where some drama for me lives atm.
38 is not too late to start. I’ve known people who started in their 40s and 50s
That said, you need therapy. Specifically a therapist knowledgeable in queer matters, otherwise they’ll just abuse you.
Definitely! Not too late! I’m even older and my egg only cracked 3 years ago. Then it was several months of self discovery before coming out to my wife and kids, followed by more self discovery and 2 years of therapy building tools for underlying trauma and anxiety. I finally started HRT 9 months ago. I’m 45!
It’s never too late to be your true self!!
Congratulations!! I’ll share the main tidbit of advice I share with other newer trans folk: transition is a marathon, not a sprint. It’s like learning a new language. Please keep that in mind and be kind to yourself
100% great advice. Partly due to my adhd, i love learning new languages, so I really gave myself time and space to explore before starting hrt; I needed to make sure this wasn’t some adhd fueled novelty. I’m in my 40’s and there’s an immense sadness I experience from not being able to experience more of my life as a woman, but the kindness and patience I’ve given myself to explore this has given me a bedrock of support to walk forward on with confidence!
Fortunately, while my therapist is not particular impressive in her credentials in general, she specifically does have experience with queer matters and is a strong LGBT ally. So I’m probably in decent hands.
Don’t …be impulsive.
Do …learn inner peace.Don’t …be impulsive.
I’m not.
Do …learn inner peace.
lol. Why don’t I strap on my peace helmet and squeeze down into a peace cannon and fire off into Peaceland where peace grows on peacies.
Do: be a woman
dont: Take shit from anyone.
Haha yeah. <3
Self discovery is good. This is all very sudden. I suggest considering holding back on HRT and Planned Parenthood, temporarily, until you more fully digest your discovery. It’s hard to hold back when you are excited about something, but please try your best.
First steps, before even making pronouncements to your friends and family, is to live as a transwoman. Does it feel right? It’s not exactly an easy life, but neither is hiding who you are.
Let the initial euphoria wash over you and try a calm lived experience. Don’t try to “act feminine”, try to explore who you are and what feels right. Transwomen can be tomboyish, or feminine and be attracted to partners of any variety, or really anything else under the sun. Remove your preconceptions and discover more about yourself and who you really are. Just try to be honest with yourself. Explore, discretely at first and let your public image grow with your confidence in your self discovery and identity.
Once you know, temper even that with the knowledge that you are a living being who changes and grows. Over time your identity may as well, it may not. Time will tell.
Next steps, try living a day publicly as your true self, whatever that may be. Then another day, and another. Grow into it organically, then when you are ready, take the next steps like HRT, surgery or whatever else is right for you.
My caution is because your post highlighted that you didn’t understand something important about yourself for 38 years. My suggestions are in the hope you don’t prejudice your self discovery again by concluding who you are based on current taxonomic structures. Labels can hinder as much as help. If you are a transwoman, great. Find out what kind, then live your best life.
Good luck!
I’m not super interested in too much procedures other than hair removal, and that requires multiple appointments. Surgeries scare me.
I don’t think I can wait much on the HRT. But I will at take your words here and proceed with caution. I’ll make sure to listen carefully to my therapist tomorrow and the planned Parenthood people. The reason I’ve put it off is I essentially blocked it out of my mind. I kind of did the same with being bisexual (finsexual) and I was super happy I figured that out.
Thank you for the earnest response.
I immediately liked this to an extreme degree. And I think this kind of confirms it.
I’m not certain about that part. Maybe. You know you best, but I think that is a lot about how reinforcement circuitry works. It felt good to be seen sure, but does that mean you do a 180 at 38? Maybe. If so, good for you.
Its not a 180. Its more like the trans-ness was stored in a locked box in the corner of my brain, and over time its taken a beating, its finally been smashed open.
Last Thursday
👀
Join us you are not alone >>> !mtf@lemmy.blahaj.zone
Hey congrats :) I went through a similar arc of obsession with women full of unqualified yearning that I struggled to understand and cope with. A lot of your ‘egg behavior’ is probably making a lot of sense right now.
Transitioning later in life does present its own challenges but I assure you that most of the trans women I know even ones who transitioned pretty young feel similar about missing out on some things. Just part and parcel of being in the wrong body.
You should talk to a therapist. planned parenthood is a perfect choice when you’re ready to discuss HRT. Also look up and read the Gender Dysphoria Bible. Most importantly start finding your community both online and IRL. There are lots of active ‘ trans later’ communities where you will find support and guidance.
It is never too late to find yourself and live your truth. I wouldn’t trade a single year of living as the woman I was meant to be for a dozen extra years living miserably in the wrong body. Good luck and congrats again.
Thank you! <3
I’m not the right person to give advice in these matters. But your story reminds me of a documentary I saw a few years back. It’s pretty much two persons in their 60s discussing their transition, regretting it and kind of where they’ve landed since. Anywho, don’t rush into this decision.
Detransition rates are very low. Even if they were 50/50 though, I’d place money that my real regret will remain simply that I did not do this sooner, not that I transitioned at all.
As others have said, the very first step should be therapy. 1 week after a hard breakup is not the time to be making major life decisions if you can avoid it. I know it sucks but you’re going to need time to heal. The way you wrote this it sounds less like discovering yourself and more like a form of rebound.
Since it sounds like you’re really grasping for something real to do right now, I’d suggest picking up a hobby, ideally something working with your hands/body in the real world like drawing or painting or sewing or running or biking or something
I also wonder if you need to spend more time figuring yourself out. Go to the mall and try on some clothing and see how it feels. Play with your hair a little. But mostly I’d suggest focusing more on a hobby for a few weeks and let your questions about yourself linger for a bit while you get through the roughest first part of the healing process
1 week after a breakup is again not the time to make life changing decisions. 1 week after a breakup is definitely the time to start therapy, poke at some new hobbies, go outside and move more and maybe go clothing shopping if you have the budget.
Since it sounds like you’re really grasping for something real to do right now, I’d suggest picking up a hobby, ideally something working with your hands/body in the real world like drawing or painting or sewing or running or biking or something
I literally only started caring about doing anything when when I decided I was trans. Kind of hard to start a hobby when you literally don’t enjoy doing anything at all.
I started playing an RPG on my backlog for like hours on Sunday that I had left sitting on hiatus for a month because suddenly it was actually a nice enjoyable experience instead of a pointless slog.
I also wonder if you need to spend more time figuring yourself out. Go to the mall and try on some clothing and see how it feels. Play with your hair a little. But mostly I’d suggest focusing more on a hobby for a few weeks and let your questions about yourself linger for a bit while you get through the roughest first part of the healing process
I’ve already done some stuff with my hair before realizing I was trans to just look like a bit like a girlish guy.
As for clothing I think I’d be too embarrassed looking like a straight up dude in girls clothing in public. A friend has offered to take me shopping though. Maybe I can try some stuff on in private. I’ve done drag recently for the first time though in what I’d describe as an explicitly safe event and I enjoyed that as well though. Was actively worried about being hate crime’d the whole time though anyway.
I literally only started caring about doing anything when when I decided I was trans. Kind of hard to start a hobby when you literally don’t enjoy doing anything at all.
Mental health can be a pain like that for sure! I’d still super encourage you to try something even if it’s just going for your stupid daily walk for your stupid mental and physical health. Even if you do it just to spite me and prove me wrong!
Sounds like a good plan to go try stuff on with a friend though! Lean on your friends while you heal, that’s what friends are for!
